thanksgiving...

hello
so, we had turkey and wine at about 4 in the afternoon
i fell asleep around 5:30pm
and now here i am
it's midnight.
and i can't sleep--
oops.

hello there

why hello there
have been so busy
not an excuse or anything
but man
so busy
and my brain just bursting
it really is

now i am "home" in phoenix
at my parents' house
used to be my house, too
grew up here
but my home is somewhere else now, i suppose
but anyway
my mom is mad at me for opening a second bottle
can ya blame the woman?
but then again, can ya blame me?
long hours, good wine (free wine, for me), excellent company (mother, father, sister, aunt, uncle, grandma, cousin, dogs)
so i gotta pop anotha bottle
my uncle, he's on his Xth beer now
so i mean, another bottle for me, is justified, somewhat
red, dark, red and dark

it's funny when my harmless father gets drunk off of
12 oz cans of miller lite
it's funny
he's a sweet man
and drinks under pressure

my mom, she wants me to pay her $5 for the pay-per-view on the cox bill cuz i purchased one of those on demand films the other day
and she's mad about it
$5
when i was fucking exhausted and tired and near sick and i just wanted to watch a movie at my purest convenience
for $5
and she's mad
so i gotta pay her back
the five dollars
i'm okay with that.
but i feel bad for her that she's mad about it.
poor woman.
overcome by the dollar.

my uncle, on his Xth beer,
now he's fuckin around with his $2,000 lense
takin pictures of my cuz watchin a 3d animation movie
my sister is over there too
and my aunt, my cousin's mother
my uncle just fuckin around with that bitchin lense
bitchin

now my mom is showing me a water bottle now
"she drinks sooo much water now"
it's that jenny craig business she works for,
they have a water bottle that filters tap water in some form
and you know that water, when you are hungry just drink the water
to fake out your hunger pains
and you will lose weight
be skinnier
more attractive
you know
water isn't necessarily healthy or anytihng
accessible, drinkable water that is

die water die
i need water
die

now i am home
just trying to relax my brain
but i see my mom chopping vegetables for tomorrow's 'thanksgiving'
and i see her aloof and alone and chopping
after her third glass of chardonnay
i can't help but think of
why is my dad out by the fire pit, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar,
while my mother
she is aloof
tired
chopping vegetables for tomorrow
and i can't help but think, why is it this way
do we even realize this...
this situation
and i lay my head back
and relax my brain
to the thud thud thud sound of the knife against the cutting board
and wonder if this is how it is supposed to be

is anything supposed to be
of course not.

sleep well

so i have started this new thing, kinda. basically i have to lay down to bed each night with straight blankets, lotioned hands, and take some deep breaths. blow out the scented candles. write in my journal. and say to myself, decide in my head, okay, i am going to sleep well tonight and have a good day tomorrow.
yeah, might sound weird or silly, but i swear it actually works. you gotta tell yourself that tomorrow is going to be a good day and mean it.
so, tomorrow is going to be a good day.
goodnight.

do as the romans do.

some quotes from my travels in europe last summer.



"So... someone today told me that "backpackers STINK and are DIRTY." I said "I agree but... get off your high horse you WHEELED SUITCASE ASS BIATCH!!"
-wall poetry in backpackers hostel, roma by gibro from canada


"you speak two languages, you live life twice as much. you speak three languages, you live life three times as much."
-wisdom from an elderly french-canadian woman on the train from budapest to bratislava