a special christmas rap for michael

i'm mikey
puttin' up lights on an x-mas tree
mon cheri
she's off in laguna beach
the muthafuckin' bougeious O.C.
where illegals climb eighty feet
just to trim the goddam palm trees
for maybe
fiftee each
she's there without me
this x-mas eve
it's all storming
flooding
in the beach cities
how can this be
she's there without me
i miss her like cray-zee
in less than a week
i will get to see
her pretty smiley
oo la la
oo la la


discretionary claim: i use the term "illegals" in a colloquial, satirical sense, not in a direct, political sense

too much reading all at once.

i feel like i could go mad. what is it? the quietness of the middle of the night, the slight buzzing in my ear, the sharp pain in my chest/stomach/and lower back, the empty coldness of my bedroom - no heater, double layers, alone? the long day of reading, reading, reading? reading into the night? the difficult stories i am reading, the heavy theory i am ingesting? what is it? the distance from tucson, arizona and all that i left there? i just have to pause and take a deep breath and tomorrow will come.

time for bed

i hate to say it, but i'd almost rather not skype
almost rather not hear your voice
think of your thoughts
keep track of your sleep schedule
because pretending that you aren't so far away is certainly much easier than realizing you are.

notice of fall 2010 admission

"Congratulations! You have been admitted to the MASTER OF ARTS - WOMEN AND GENDER STUDIES program which is among the most competitive in the California State University system."

happy day.

coffee

coffee against my lips
it's cold by now but i still drink it
and the mug tips,
a little bit
slips
out the side of my mouth as i sip,
eyes looking past the mug onto my feminist lit--
coffee tear drops drip
and stain the polemic.

no energy for hostility right now.

Rachel G**** giving books to prisoners is the most ridiculous cause ive ever seen. why don't we worry about the children that can't afford books before we worry about prisoners who have forfeited their rights. criminals chose their circumstances while did not.

Jordon Br********** im sorry i dont see a point to sending books to a prisoners. why are you so interested in this

may a tragedy r.i.p.

rest in peace connor redd. and i am struck by all of these photos of you on facebook. i go through them and i see you and i am brought instantly to roland barthes' philosophies in camera lucida:

"by giving me the absolute past of the pose (aorist), the photograph tells me death in the future. what pricks me is the discovery of this equivalence. in front of the photograph of my mother as a child, i tell myself: she is going to die: i shudder, like winnicott’s psychotic patient, over a catastrophe which has already occurred. whether or not the subject is already dead, every photograph is this catastrophe."

worn

feeling so
worn,
so worn down.
ragged, dry, heavy.

hello saturday

not too bad of a saturday morning: cardio exercise and stretching at the gym; delicious breakfast of yogurt, granola, scrambled eggs w/ cheese, a fresh homemade fruit smoothie, and coffee from our new french press; i've been trying to hydrate myself all day w/ lots of water; and digging into my studies. obviously right now i am not studying... :) but i need a little internet break every now and again... goals for the evening and rest of today: finish praxis write-up, write memo (which means do the reading), read for independent study, and start Where is Ana Mendieta?

giant envelops versus little envelops

how exciting it is to receive a giant envelop from a grad school program i applied to and not a little one.

even though little envelops can have some okay news, like being wait-listed, for example.

pity the fool.

for tomorrow:
-presentation of roland barthes' camera lucida
-abstract for fem theories' final paper + preliminary bibliography
-reading response for fem knowledge production
-praxis write-up? i don't think i can finish that on time. might have to turn it in next week instead.

for tuesday:
-(another) presentation of the anthology companeras: latina lesbians
-position paper for latina lesbians
-prospectus from latina feminisms + annotated bibliography

for wednesday:
-paper for independent study which translates into=a shitload of reading on top of everything else.

i can't wait til this week is over..

sleep vs. awake

the line between sleep dreams and awake reality is blurring more and more for me these days. when i sleep i am a vivid dreamer. trying to differentiate between what is dreamt and what is lived seems like an obfuscating task. and then i wonder, does it matter? if i recall a memory as though it were a lived reality but was actually a dreamt fantasy, who is gonna be my judge of truthiness?

guilty as charged

i am excited for the new Vans store to open up at park place mall.

have you checked the mail today?!

baaaahhhhh i am checking my mailbox obsessively everyday awaiting acceptance/denial letters from SFSU and roosevelt university...please come soooon!! i can't stand this dreadful anticipation any longer!

F 35

from google images. this plane has been brought to the davis-monthan air force base in tucson, az. this base is less than 8 miles from my home. today is saturday, a beautiful day in the sonoran desert, and it is also desperate time i need to study and write papers. this plane is just doing circles around tucson, particularly directly over my house and neighborhood. can i even describe how loud this plane is? it is so loud, my desk rattles and walls shake. i cannot hear myself think. it is frightening, actually. is this the smallest taste of what war sounds like? i think so. the F 35 sounds like war. it does not make me feel safe. the F 35 instills fear, leaves it lingering in the air. the noise it makes, the sound, the vibrations, it is too much. please go away. you are not only scaring my cats and dogs, but you are also scaring me. tucson opposition to the F 35: click here.

my sister's big break!

meeting chris brown. oo la la.

road trip

tomorrow i will be DRIVING to las cruces to visit NMSU! i am quite excited. i received my "certificate of admission" about one month ago for acceptance into their MA in sociology and women's studies program. for one, it will be nice to escape for a short bit. two, it will make my grad school dreams a tangible reality. woohoo! but i am still waiting to here back from SFSU, SDSU, Roosevelt University, and UT Austin. i am scheduled to meet with THREE different professors (one being the sociology/women's studies director), take an official NMSU campus tour, and i will be couch surfing for my first time with a chica whose family has been in new mexico for over 8 generations and she is studying geography as an undergrad at NMSU. one of the other professors i will be meeting with is who i would consider to be one of the top scholars in the nation on femicides in the americas (particularly el paso/juarez). i am kind of nervous because i dont really know what to ask... but, she is a prof in the academy, so i am sure she has plenty of experience leading any conversation, esp. about her own work and her own university. well, i am about to go get my brake fluid flushed and revved, and get everything else peaked at since i will be traveling solo and i want my stuffs to be in shipshape.

trapped

oh louis althusser your marxist theory is so dreary it makes me weary and a little teary

where to go from here

just thinking about this idea of separatism, particularly feminist separatism of course. what does it mean to go separatist? what i am really thinking here is, starting a school. the feminist school. hm. this does not mean going separatist, does it? maybe in some sense. but in principle, in theory, in praxis, in its founding--it would not be. it would be a nonhierarchical, collective effort. it would be collaborative with other revolutionary groups, schools, and programs to encapsulate a broad curriculum. it would be a free education, as in, no monetary cost or tuition. i would work til i die to figure out ways that it could reach across socioeoconomic segregation (which is rampant in our current public school system). so in this sense, it would not be separatist, because all are welcome. i need to think about this some more.

AL DENTE

fabulous pasta recipe that all my friends love

Penne alla Vodka

The sauce is rich with meat and cream, and takes on a slightly spicy flavor from the vodka and (my) secret touch. This is a classic pasta dish that fills the neighborhood with savory smells of sauteing fresh-chopped garlic and fresh-chopped white onion.

Prep Time: :10

Cook Time: :40

Ingredients:

• 1/4 pound prosciutto
  
• can use bacon or pancetta...but I recommend PROSCIUTTO!
• 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
• 6 cloves garlic, peeled and halved (I use at least 12 cloves, and I chop it up in the food processor.)
• 1 medium onion, diced (I use about half of an onion, but if you're an onion-lover...go for it!!)
• 1/2 cup vodka
• 2 (28-ounce) cans whole tomatoes, with their juice, pureed in a blender
• 1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
• SECRET! I use 1 tsp of red cayenne pepper...so flavorful and not too spicy
• Salt, to taste
  
• Sometimes I use garlic salt, otherwise I use about 1tsp Kosher salt
• 1 cup heavy cream
• I like to use 1 cup heavy whipping cream, plus a little extra ;)
  
• 2 (16-ounce) boxes penne pasta
• 24 fresh basil leaves, chopped
• 1 1/2 cups freshly grated Romano cheese

Preparation:

Place a large pot of cold, salted water (plus a drizzle of olive oil) over high heat to come to a boil.

If you are using bacon: in a large saute pan on medium heat, cook and render fat from the bacon. (If you are using pancetta or prosciutto, skip this step and just saute it with the garlic.) Once the bacon is almost crisp, remove it from the pan and set it aside. Do not clean the pan.

Add the olive oil and, when it is hot, add the fresh-chopped garlic (if you're using bacon, add the bacon back in with the garlic). Saute until the garlic turns light golden brown, then add the onion and saute until it becomes translucent, for about 5 minutes. Add the vodka and let it reduce by half, then add the pureed tomatoes, red pepper (red cayenne pepper), and salt. Simmer the sauce uncovered for about 25-30 minutes, stirring occasionally, then add the heavy cream and simmer another 10 minutes.

Once you've added the cream, put the penne pasta in the boiling water and cook until al dente according to package directions. Remove the sauce from the heat, add the fresh-chopped basil and the freshly-grated Romano cheese, and stir well. Drain the pasta (AL DENTE!), shock it with a little cold water, and return it to the pot it was cooked in. Pour the sauce over the pasta and mix gently until the pasta is coated completely. Serve immediately...well, maybe wait 5-10 minutes so sauce can thicken in the pasta...but then, serve immediately.

Yield: 6 to 8 servings (Just make it all at once...the leftovers are de-lish)

wake up brain!!

i need some sort of plan or warm-up each morning to wake up my brain...to get it going...to make me excited about studying and writing papers...to help me concentrate...come on brain--wake up!! concentrate!! stop going on facebook and blogger!

realize your gift!

mediations on the virtuality of the multitude transforming to the possibility thereof:
"the will to be against really needs a body that is completely incapable of submitting to command. it needs a body that in incapable of adapting to family life, to factory discipline, to the regulations of a traditional sex life, and so forth. (if you find your body refusing these "normal" modes of life, don't despair--realize your gift!)"
-hardt/negri

happy pup

will my happy pup miss me when i'm gone? will she remember me when i come back to visit?

v-day

i'm not a holiday person...at all. i don't get excited for any holidays, they're all meaningless to me. in fact, i think they're all pretty stupid. often times i feel badly talking out about my opinion on holidays...because i know for many people holidays are dear to one's heart for family times, traditions, and fuzzy-warm feelings. but of course, that's not me. what are holidays for? other than functioning to reify nationalisms and Historicities? not to mention all the benefits capitalism gets when our lovely holidays roll around. i could rant on, but, if today were v-day, as in vagina day, then maybe i'd celebrate. so, happy vagina day everybody!

staying or leaving

ya know, the most complicated postmodern feminist theory criticizes and exploits the very [racist, sexist, classist, patriarchal/nationalist, and heteronormative] power systems and historicities that essentially dictate our lives and ways of thinking. well, what about me thinking about some other things, like, for example, why can't i just pick up and leave? why can't i just drop it all and go? what is keeping me here? what regimented structure is holding the power over me to make me think that i cannot leave? that i should not leave? that it would be irresponsible for me to go? just leave it all? go somewhere else where i can live more humanely? where i can eat the food i grow, build the house i live in, give back to the earth what ever i take, speak to my neighbors like they were family and where i can take naps in the afternoon out in the trees? am i wishing for too much? i am. is it my social responsibility to stay here [doubly-bound in this Empire]? maybe it is.

chinese year of the tiger

myself and 2 grad students walked out of our "latina feminisms in the americas" seminar yesterday with our professor.
"how's your semester going so far?" one student says to my professor.
"you know, not well," she responds. "i feel like i have been playing catch-up since the semester started. and i was very sick for over week just after the semester began."
was she taking the words right out of my mouth?
myself and the two other grad students agreed that their semester had been going the same way. for me, it has definitely been a rocky start so far. returning from new zealand left me all too melancholy. it took my awhile to get excited about graduate school again. i was in the hospital vomiting violently for hours into the night the third week of january. the first week of february i discovered (to my utter surprise and dismay) that my financial aid did not, and will not come through. i have been feeling like there's not enough time in the day to study.
"there's something strange about the start of 2010," i said.
"yeah, you know, i think i am going to restart 2010 this weekend, with the chinese new year." my professor continued, "it's the year of the tiger, and my birth year is also the year of the tiger. i think that has some significance."
"i am the year of the tiger, too!" i shouted, feeling a little childish and silly about my excitement towards my professor's observation.
"so, i have decided that i am going to mentally restart my new year this weekend, because, well, because i can." my professor laughed defiantly.
well, i can too. to remedy my mental and physical health i have started acupuncture treatments. i am trying to get enough sleep and eat better. i am now making an earnest attempt at not drinking so much. i am only working one day/week now at TUSD so i can devote myself to my studies. i sat down and figured out my budgeting plan so that i can still go to school and only work one day/week...and somehow not get behind on my bills (fingers crossed). all in all i am trying to make a shift in my psyche so that i no longer feel afraid/intimidated to really "go for it" in grad school. the past two semesters it has seemed like some unreachable thing... like i can somehow do grad school "on the side." grad school will not be a hobby anymore.
so, "yay!" for the chinese year of the tiger. things are finally lookin' up.

studyyy

sharp and slight pangs in the heart. too much coffee? no, never too much coffee. but too much reading, too much reading indeed. go easy on me feminism, at least for today, please.

what does it even mean to be sober

i'm awful. i caved. but i wanted one. maybe i really should make use of the resources recommended to me by the midwife who conducted my annual pap a week and a half ago...

the land before time

backpacking. stewart island, new zealand. 12/28/09.

omgz

brushfire bbq on glenn & campbell = amazing! so delish. how have i not discovered this place sooner?! mikey had a pulled pork sammy and i had baby back ribs. meat falling off the bone slathered in sweet but bold sauce with sides of creamy slaw and grilled garlic bread. super casual, too--you just walk up to the counter and order. exactly what i needed to be re-introduced to food again. my body was craving meat after being ill all week and hardly eating. mmm i do love me some classic southwestern bbq.

in my head

ruminating. living in reverie, all my waking hours. i think about it now and well, i have always been like this, at least since the accident. when will i ever not be ruminating? dwelling? obsessing? constantly rehashing, replaying, wondering, twisting, revisiting, recreating? it's the writer in me, i keep saying. the writer in me, constantly daydreaming, living in reverie, never settled, always deep in thought--about school, lost friends, ex-lovers, sexualities...the list does not end. it wears and tears and i am starting to wonder if i will ever be able to live differently. what is it like not to ruminate? i don't think i know.

drunk on life.

here goes it. i am giving up the booze. day #2 of sobriety. i am sure this sounds terrible, but to be perfectly honest, i have been drinking heavily ever since i graduated last may. yes, it's been potentially self-medicating. but it's also fucked up my health emotionally, and physically. always tired, down n' out, eating terribly, not working out, and spending way too much money on it. why is beer my drink of choice? so many calories, and it was only a matter of time til I thought 4 beers would hardly do the trick..